Who's got two thumbs and is ready to put this table together? This Guy.
Welcome, Jake & Steph, to guided tour through the assembly of your table in ten easy steps. All you'll need is a philips head screwdriver and some brute strength. Also, a beer or two might help.
STEP ONE: Make sure you have everything. Tabletop, two "legs", one long stretcher (the piece that goes between the legs), and 6 screws, each with a small and large washer.
STEP TWO: You'll notice corresponding letters & arrows on the tops of the legs and in the notches, in the notches on the underside of the stretcher, and on the underside of the tabletop near the threaded brass inserts. If I remember correctly, the arrows will all point out toward the ends of the table. Get everything roughly laid out so you know which letters are where and don't have to spin the table around later.
Seriously, don't be fooled by the picture, these MFers will fall over. Also, the shop being this empty looks so dreamy, like from a long-ago time....you can literally barely walk through the entire shop right now because there is so much work in there....
STEP THREE: Stand the two legs up with the letters and arrows facing in the right direction. Be careful here!! The legs are top heavy, and will fall over if left unattended (don't forget this is the Windy City, after all).
STEP FOUR: Double check that the letters are lined up, and very carefully align the notches of the stretcher with the notches on the legs. The stretcher should slide right in with nothing more than a solid few taps of the hand/ pounds of a fist. If, however, things have swelled/moved/whatever and it doesn't just slide home, first check that nothing is hitting where it shouldn't. Then double-check (again, so triple-check?) that the letters and arrows are aligned...the notches are fit individually, so A won't fit with B necessarily. If it's just a little snug, you can place a packing blanket or towel on the stretcher, then a block of wooden top of the blanket, and then hit the block of wood with a hammer to snug up the pieces. In case I'm not being clear enough: don't you dare hit the actual stretcher with a hammer or anything else.
STEP FIVE: Lift that gigantic slab of wood up onto the top of the legs. Wait! Before you get it up in the air, have you checked that the letters line up? Seriously, it will suck to have to spin the whole thing around again, trust me. Slowly set the tabletop onto the legs, trying to get the brass inserts on the underside to roughly line up with the slots in the tops of the legs.
STEP SIX: Make sure the washers are aligned on the screws as shown, and loosely attach all six screws into the brass inserts on the underside of the table top. This might require one person push or pull on the leg or the top while the other person screws in the screws. At first it might seem like they don't line up, but they do, you might just have to muscle the legs around a little. The screw holes are slotted to allow for the tabletop to continue to expand and contract over time.
Note the order of things: little washer closet to screw head, big washer closest to table.
The proper amount of hand hair for tightening screws.
STEP SEVEN: Try to get the tabletop centered on the legs, side-to-side. Once centered, tighten the screws with a screwdriver until (hopefully) the top is flat and makes contact all the way across the top of the leg support and is tight enough that it doesn't shake loose when your friends drunkenly bump into it. Don't over-tighten though...as in don't use a drill or anything, just a screwdriver.
STEPS EIGHT, NINE, & TEN: Pull up a seat, pour a hefty glass of whiskey, and enjoy your new table.